This is my favorite phrase in the world. Some of you might have heard me talk about it before, but if you haven’t, here it is! It’s a phrase I’ve lived with my whole life, courtesy of my mom. Literally as long as I can remember, I’ve been hearing those words. And you know what? Those words are magical. You might be thinking that’s a lot of hype over a few simple words, but it’s true. They are. Here’s what you need to know.

What the phrase isn’t-

The phrase is NOT a dismissal of any genuine distress you might be feeling. It’s not meant to silence you if you are protesting or criticizing something. I can see how this phrase could certainly be misused- for example, if someone is voicing their concern at current systemic inequalities in their community, and someone else attempts to shut them down by saying they’re just “stirring the pot”, and that if they’re upset about something they should just “go fix it” (which is reductive and just plain rude). There are plenty of examples of situations where the best way to start solving a problem is to draw attention to it, and there’s no simple solution.

But my mom’s intentions were never to silence me or chastise me or tell me my reactions weren’t valid. That’s not what this is about.

What it is-

There are times when you are faced with a situation that requires immediate action. But you can become so overwhelmed with the problem that you can’t even begin to fathom what the solution might be. All you can think of is all the terrible things that are now going to happen because of this problem you are facing. You become paralyzed with stress, frustration, fear, and ultimately disappointment in yourself.

While these feelings are completely understandable they are not helpful.

And here is where we apply the phrase.

Much like with Kondo’s “spark joy” method, sometimes all you need is a change of perspective. In her case, viewing the tidying process as a way to hold onto the things you love (as opposed discarding all the excess you have) turns it into a positive experience, and this makes a huge difference.

When my mom would say those words to me, it would interrupt my frazzled stream of consciousness and force me to stop for a moment. Take a breath. Reassess the situation. Are you working to fix the problem, or psyching yourself out and making things worse?

In that moment, I would force myself to look past all those negative feelings. They would still be there for me to deal with later. But becoming paralyzed by them now would not help me in any way.

Here’s an example. There was a situation at work this summer where I was supposed to be delivering some materials to one of our community partners. The materials were being gathered by fellow coworkers. This had been scheduled ahead of time, and instead of confirming that everything was ready beforehand, I simply assumed it would be and arrived early in the morning to collect the materials. One small problem: the materials weren’t there.

There had been some miscommunications and misunderstandings on when the materials were due, and what materials were needed, and as such, they were not ready for pickup and delivery. To make matters worse, I was also supposed to run an event that same morning, and did not have much time to address the situation.

Enter panic mode. Immediately I started to think of all the things I could and should have done better. Like reaching out to the individuals involved instead of simply sending mass emails to make sure we were all on the same page. Communicating specific deadlines more clearly. Double-checking things ahead of time. Etc.

I also was thinking about all the other things I had to get done that morning. It was Stress City all the way.

But then I thought of the phrase and took a deep breath. In that moment, I was suddenly removed from the situation. I looked at it the way that a bored traveler on a long flight looks at the latest puzzle on their phone. How could I make this work?

I thought up a list of possible solutions and organized them in my head from the simplest to the most complex, and then factored in any relevant deadlines. The first thing I needed was more time to sort out the materials, so I reached out to my community partners and confirmed I would be making the deliveries in the afternoon instead of that morning, but could make accommodations if that new time didn’t work for them.

Then I took inventory of what we had. Some materials for future weeks had been prepared early and were ready to go. These could be swapped with the ones due this week if necessary. And so on. In the end I was able to touch base with the staff members in charge of the materials, clarify the misunderstandings, fill any missing materials with ones from the previous week, and get the completed materials delivered, all while running the aforementioned event. The partners I worked with were flexible, and did not mind when the items were delivered so long as it was done that day, so in the end there was no issue.

The problem was solved.

One more example comes to mind- the first time I ever said the phrase back to my own mom.

We were getting ready to travel to Lima, Peru to visit family, enjoy the holidays, etc. We were just finishing up our packing before driving down to Chicago from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (a fairly long drive) so we could fly out from there (as flights to Lima were cheaper from O’Hare). At the time my parents had been legal residents of Michigan for a while, but still did not have their citizenship- instead they had a Green Card. This served as proof of their status in the United States, granting them re-entry to the country should they travel abroad. One small problem: my mom couldn’t find hers.

She always kept her important cards in one little case for safekeeping, but the Green Card wasn’t there. Cue tearing the house down to find it. Looking in purses, bags, old suitcases, in the car under the seats, in the basement, in the closet… anywhere that card could possibly be was searched. Nothing.

Panic turned to anger turned to disappointment and crushing defeat. Without it she couldn’t travel. She would have to cancel her trip, missing out on seeing her family and missing out on spending the holidays with us. Needless to say she wasn’t in the best emotional state.

And so it way my turn to talk to her and remind her of the magic words. Be a problem solver, not a problem maker.

We looked online and found out that, in an emergency, you could get a stamp put in your passport as temporary proof of residence. We didn’t have much time, but it was possible. Immediately we scheduled a meeting with the USCIS office that was the least out of the way for our drive and packed into the car. The drive over was tense, as we struggled to shave minutes off our arrival time to make our appointment, only to be further delayed by traffic as we approached.

Luckily the people at the office were familiar with the traffic issues in that area and didn’t give us any trouble for being late. Soon enough we had obtained the stamp and were on our way to Chicago. The trip to Lima was a go!

The phrase had worked it’s magic once more.

It’s such a simple thing, that phrase. And yet in the moment, it helps you forget about all you anxieties- forget about what you can’t control- and focus on what you can actually accomplish. And if the first solution doesn’t work? Fine, scrap it and move on to the next. Keep looking ahead until the situation is resolved, even if the resolution isn’t what you’d hoped it would be.

Afterwards you can pick apart all the feelings and frustrations you had. You can reflect on how to better prevent the issue in the future, and have discussions with people that might have hurt you or negatively impacted you along the way (and vice versa). You can vent and rant and overall accept that sometimes things just suck. But at least it’s over. You survived it.

So if you find yourself faced with a problem, and feeling overwhelmed and in over your head, give it a try. It just might work for you too.

Author’s note:

This post is, of course, dedicated to my mom, whose wise words continue to help me get through the day, sometimes even more so now, as an adult, than when I was child. Thanks Mom ❤